orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.