*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
blocked.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain