A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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When you’ve simply given up.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*