Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
no their not