Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
You learn something every day
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m dying louder than usual today.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
If I ignore life will it go away?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.