Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.