Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names