Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
accurate
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻