[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
This is my emotional support knife.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.