Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Only Americans understand
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.