Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
What’s so funny?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving