oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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Noah was an idiot.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I think this cat is broken
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.