@GrantTanaka 2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
@IamJackBoot I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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@GrantTanaka 
@sixfootcandy [trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
@Marlebean BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
@SCbchbum Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
@XplodingUnicorn Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
@GoldenSpirals [At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
@amydillon My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
@BastardProphet Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
@jessiegender Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
@aparnapkin Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem