I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
…u ok Nintendo?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Goodnight 🐶
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*