I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.



Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.


BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”


Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.


Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.


[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain


My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.