Goodnight 🐶
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Ain’t no way
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me