me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.