Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
No point crayon over spilled milk.