ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.