People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
You Might Also Like
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.