I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Finally!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.