If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.