*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror