The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.