Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait