Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.