@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

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@theevilwriter

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

@rxysurfchic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

@MomOnFire

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@joejwest

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@KalvinMacleod

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy