@Cheeseboy22 Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
@Ivsy01 Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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@Cheeseboy22 
@theevilwriter HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
@rxysurfchic i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
@MomOnFire My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
@GoldenSpirals An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
@PwrFulWmn Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
@panmidwest EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
@joejwest [jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
@ItsDanSheehan Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
@KalvinMacleod MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy