Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You Might Also Like
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
ME: Please let me go
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy