Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
i’m sure it’s fine
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.