Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
happy valentine’s day to me
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.