I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
You Might Also Like
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
🤣🤣
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?