Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.