Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.