Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

San Francisco has too many rules

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.