Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plant them where lol

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”