Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
won’t smith
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH