If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
This is not me but this is me
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.