Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
More like Kate Missington.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.