Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Good morning.