You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Mornin
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I support this random dude and all his protests
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Just as the prophecy foretold
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
im 7 sauces long
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?