I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.