Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”