@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

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@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@Aikiwomannc

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

@KingPatrick24

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@karanbirtinna

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

@JackMackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@deloisivete

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened