The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened