99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.