My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”