I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Yes, this is exactly right