Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.