This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Watermelon Boss!
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together