Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
That earthquake could have been an email.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.