If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Huge, if true.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails