her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
You Might Also Like
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The struggle is real.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.