My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
these two trucks have the same bed length
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?