Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.