You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.