*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did