[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.