CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
dude it’s called proctologist
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay