1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘